Dial a Protest

It happens more often than you’d think. You’re a liberal who has grown bored of the same old causes and protests. It’s apparent that nobody is listening to your screams about how Christmas should be canceled forever and your cries about global warming are starting to lose steam when your enormous “Global Warming” summit was canceled by one of the largest snow storms to ever hit the east coast. You dubbed ethanol the new savior of our planet, but come to find out that ethanol is significantly more dangerous than most fossil fuels.

Oops.

No problem, there are always other causes in which you can find solace. Somebody told you the unions are protesting in Wisconsin. What better way to express our jealousy of rich people without being labeled jealous? So you call your friends and get your “Republicans are Hitler” signs and call in a few death threats to conservative congressmen while you’re on your way to Madison. Once your there, it’s like a family reunion as you find your old protester friends in one of many drum circles. You get a little wet as you watch your idols, Jesse Jackson and Michael Moore telling you that America really isn’t broke. Neither is Wisconsin. It’s just what those evil conservatives tell you to steal your rights. Those crazy bastards are always coming up with some scheme to stick it to the working man, but you don’t let anything slip by you.

Later, after a few hours of shouting down a Fox News broadcast, (Free speech doesn’t belong to conservatives, only us. Will they not ever realize that?) you burn some incense and light up a joint with your friends and they tell you about a brand new cause that they conjured up while tripping on some great acid and watching MSNBC. This new cause is about Palestine. Apparently, those poor Muslims are having their rights taken away by the Jews in Israel.

“I thought the Muslims were the ones that were violent and intolerant toward the Jews.” You say.

“No, man, that’s so 2005.” Your hippy friend responds. “Israel’s gotten powerful and they are being intolerant of the Muslims. Jews profile like crazy and that takes away people's civil liberties. What’s even worse is our government even helps the Jews, well, at least until Obama got in office.”

“All hail Obama.” You all chant simultaneously.

“I never knew how badly the Muslims were treated by the Jews.” You say, shaking from fury. “They have no right to discriminate just because Muslims don’t hold the same beliefs as them. I will join your cause.”

“Awesome, man, I will make t-shirts and bumper stickers and we’ll expose these close minded Jews for the bigots they are.”

And so it is, you have meaning in your life once again and all is right with the world. Well, not yet, but you are going to make it that way. Peace and love.